Thursday, August 19, 2010

Stammering on...

So - this is were I get vulnerable with you and really honest with myself.

There were times this past week where I was not in control, when I gave up, when I didn't care. I ate muffin after muffin - homemade vegan muffins, but still - not good. The mere thought them now makes my stomach churn a bit. I way overdid it.



Then there were times when I chose what I ate, enjoyed myself, and really enjoyed some non-vegan food. Brownie sundae and lemon drop - yes, you were wonderful. The lethargic, unmotivated feeling that followed you the next day - not so wonderful, but still worth it.

I am beginning to notice my eating patterns. When I gorge, when I hardly eat, when I only eat because I'm bored. I am struggling to tame these urges. I realize though, having good food, that I'm excited to eat, available to me always, really helps me be in control. When I'm hungry and there's not a Cafe Gratitude within 10 feet or a veggie pasta salad prepped in my bag - I instantly want something crazy like a snickers bar or chocolate chip cookie.

I'm doing pretty good with being vegetarian though - I hardly ever crave meat anymore and can usually get present to what would be served to me: where it's been, what it's eaten, how it's been treated, and how it's going to affect my body and I can pretty easily say "no thank you."

As stated in previous posts, I was pretty excited about doing some vegan baking. Yea, I tried a bit of that - those muffins that I stuffed in my face. I think I'm okay for now - no more vegan baking. Cookies - sure, but that'll be it. I think I might have scarred myself a bit.

Aside from eating - I had some dark times lately with even being productive. I'd get in and out of bed - dreading the day, putting everything off, neglecting anything possible, and just feeling terrible about myself and my environment for no reason. It may be a bit extreme to think my crazy eating lately may have brought this on, but nothing stressful or emotional was really up for me - so it was weird.

I am getting more and more sensitive. Cookies I used to LOVE now taste waaay too buttery and eh. Eating cheese sets off a storm in my belly. Not drinking enough water makes me feel lightheaded. It's amazing. It seems a bit backwards but I'm finally being able to really LISTEN to my body. I can hear it talking to me now - we can communicate and understand each other. It's really pretty beautiful.

I was getting bored with my vegan meals - but I'm getting inspired again. Cool websites like instructibles have some fresh and EASY recipes I want to try. A lot include soy cheeses and tofu - but I might dabble in those for a bit before I get super settled into a no soy diet. That way I can enjoy pizza and grilled cheese sandwiches still :-D

Tonight I made a veggie chow mien soup thing. It was a little bland but good. I didn't use any recipe or anything so I was pretty proud of myself. Then I had a strange craving for toast so I made one slice even though I was full (bored eating).

This was a bit of a babbly post but whatever - it's a post! I haven't wanted to share all this for days - so it might not be pretty but it's out there now - raw(cooked really), unclean, and honest.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Mexican Bliss

I find sooo much comfort in Mexican food. Take the meat and cheese out and it's an instant satisfying vegan meal. Quick, cheap and easy too!

The other night - I made fajitas for Michael, my mom and I. Once I discovered the power of lemon juice and garlic, man was this heavenly! Michael's is the one with the cheese. I try not to torture him too much.


Tonight it's guac! This was supposed to go with the fajita meal, but my avocados were stubbornly not ripe enough yet. They are perfect now. I want to say a special thanks to my aunt Karen, and cousin Erin who first introduced me to the fine art of homemade guacamole. I am eternally grateful.

Other recent notable Mexican delicacies include Cafe Gratitude's Nacho appetizer (I am Honoring) and their cooked specialty quesadilla (I am Wise - much thanks to Ryland for this creation!). On both of these I swap the nacho cashew cheese for their less spicy mozzarella because my taste buds simply can't hang. These dishes are to die for. Oh man and Gracias Madre! I haven't been there in a bit, but spectacular. Butternut squash tamale, por favor!

Mexico - thanks for being so close to California. You allow me to practice my high school Spanish skills, eat healthy, and be happy.

My sweet tooth is achin' for some Cinnaholic

photo credit : cinnaholic

This place just opened in Berkeley last month and I'm dying to have a taste of their vegan cinnamon roll creations - over 30 different flavors! I've been scouring their website and blog in the meantime and have discovered some fabulous new resources to explore:

Veganbaking.net - This site is so exciting. I'm inspired to make my own yummy treats! Next grocery run I'm stocking up on the basics in vegan baking. They suggest about 6 different alternatives to eggs - one of them being pureed banana! I'm so going to use that for my gluten-free pancake mix I got the other day. I was stumped as to what to sub for eggs.

Ethical Pizza - I think fridge dough might change my life.

There seems to be quite a community of vegans out there on the web. I'm very excited to connect and find support as I journey down my path of veganism - my body won't seem to have it any other way whether I like it or not. I can't complain much though with scrumptious sweet creations possible without animal products.

Stay tuned for future baked goods posts! Yipee!!

Pizza Aftermath


this bus ad = gross. photo credit : me

Well - today I experienced my first case ever of indigestion. Painful pressure in my chest that came in waves.

All the sudden that left over pizza doesn't look so good - probably's what brought this on in the first place :-\

My tolerance for eating crap is lessening and my body's demand for decent food is on the rise. Blessing or a curse?

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Comfort Food

I can choose to put whatever I want into my body and tonight I chose pizza. My man got me my own spinach and mushroom pie - a sweet (non-vegan) expression of love. I couldn't resist. All things in moderation - this very much so, but a delight to share with the one I love. 




Don't judge ;-)

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Taking the wheel

photo credit : gato ranch

I'm realizing how good it can feel to be grounded in what I'm dealing with. Getting the "what is so" about everything. Knowing what the heck is really going on!

How much are my debts, what needs to be done, when can we meet, when will it be here, what can I do? From here I can solve for what to do next!

I've been hiding out hoping everything would blow over - ain't happenin'!

I'm stepping up - asking questions, taking notes, taking action and I sleep better at night for it. Yippee!!

Things I am grateful for: Google calendar, my iPhone, Excel spreadsheets, Google Docs, online banking / bill payments, e-mail, and the wonderful gracious people in my life.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Mind

I've been taking a closer look at my mind lately in a number of ways. I guess that's kind of a funny thing to say - "look at my mind" and let me tell you, it's not an easy thing to do! It can feel like you're chasing your tail but it's so satisfying when you can catch it by the tail.

I've been listening to my "inner chatter:" the little voice in my head that has oodles of opinions, judgments, negative thoughts, and worry. I've been telling her to be quiet. I read in a book - hmm, I think it was The Untethered Soul by somebody - I never finished it, but he called this voice your "roommate." I love that. That author and Eckhart Tolle that I've been reading lately (The Power of Now) talk about how that voice, opinion, judgement isn't really YOU - it's your mind, your ego, not you. It goes on in depth about this phenomenon until your head feels like it might implode and then - pOp, I got it. Whoa. So powerful. I'm having fun now with it. The other night I was laying awake in bed with a marathon of worry, regret, shameful, disempowering thoughts running through my head and gosh darn it was stressful. I was never going to fall asleep with my crazy roommate making all that chattery noise - so I told her to stop, and she DID! My mind was quiet. My body relaxed. I took a deep breathe and smiled into a beautiful and satisfied slumber. I'm no master though - my roommate can really take the reigns from time to time. It's a fun practice though. It's an exciting muscle to strengthen.



Oh and I had my first real hypnotherapy session last night. It was so wonderful. I went into the session with the intention of working on my diet - curbing my cravings for sugar and junk food as I journey towards healthy vegan - not junk food processed cookie dough vegan. Anyways, that's not all I left with. I created that I am fearless. I'm living the life I choose. I saw unexpected connections - like how my current diet struggles reflect upon who I ate with and what I ate growing up. How my emotions tug at those things. Then I just relaxed and shut up my roommate so my subconscious could get the messages I wanted it to. I am powerful. I know exactly what to do. I know what is good for me. I am worthy. Mmmm, to be wrapped in that - amazing. The whole experience was dynamic, sensory, and peaceful. Trent, you are phenomenal - thank you for that gift. Oh yes, I created a lil action plan too out my session.

1. Create an alter to reflect, relax, and be still at.

2. Drink at least 2 quarts of water a day.

3. Put Divine Light into what ever I choose to eat.

So far so good. I've got a little alter started. I have a dramatic non-working fireplace in my apartment that I'd yet to know what to do with so it's hearth is now my little piece of peace. I'd love to decorate it a bit and put some photos of my favorite people beside it too, but that will come - for now, some candles and a mirror.

As for the water, I did it today! I drank about 2.5 quarts. I'd love to get up to a gallon - slow and steady wins the race.

And what the heck does putting Divine Light into my food mean? I'm not really sure. My friend, Jorge, had talked about his practice of this and it sounded really cool. I suppose too, that it can mean different things for different people so there's no real answer. For me right now - it's really being present when I eat, being grateful for what my food has to offer me and for all that it took to get to me. I put love into my food and then eat up my love. Yum.


***This blog post writing was interrupted for a spontanious dance party to Cold December by Matt Costa. Aww, reminded me of my christmas stretch with the Gap. Memories and good ol' fashioned letting loose.*** 

Body



My body is changing. I work out 4 mornings a week with Bootcamp SF and my sweaty bed head beatings are starting to reveal some surprising results. My favorite transformation thus far is my upper body. It's lean and strong. I love my collar bones! They make me feel sexy and mysterious. This new development makes me want to invest in a bunch of off the shoulder tops and chandelier earrings, sip tea and be tan.

Ooh and I've discovered my lower abs! I'd never used them! They were as weak as a limp string bean to start and well, they're probably about as sturdy as a new flip flop now - but what a difference. I stand differently, walk differently, and I can do a sit up, a bunch actually! I feel strong and that feels amazing. As much as I dread getting up some mornings, I always love the satisfaction that comes after my workout when I go to take a shower and catch a glimpse of my new shape in the mirror - it's all worth it. I feel beautiful and strong.

On another body changing note - I'm getting wrinkles! Yippee! I think they're cute. Just some fine ones when I smile around the corners of my mouth and eyes. I'll be upset if they ever show up on my forehead though - because those don't seem like very happy wrinkles. Oh and I'm getting some "age spots" on one of my cheeks. I like them too. I want them to multiply so I can have sweet little freckles.

As I'm writing this, I am realizing that I'm not experiencing the normal self-consciousness that I experience when I talk about how I look. I feel good about myself, I accept myself, and I don't feel ashamed or boastful in saying so.  I am so grateful for my body - it's mobility, it's strength, it's beauty, it's expression, it's vehicle! I wouldn't be the same without it ;-D

Monday, August 2, 2010

Number One Sign...

That I should be a Raw Foodist: I fail at boiling water.

Tonight after a long (but great day!) at work, I attempted to steam some asparagus for a 10 o'clock dinner / snack but didn't realize that there wasn't much water under my steaming rack. Eventually, I started to smell something burning but my asparagus looked fine - but why was it so quiet? That's when I discovered that I had stupidly burnt the bottom of my pot to a dark, smelly, crisp.




After much scrubbing and soaping, this is as clean as she'll ever be again. I don't know that I could ever cook to save my life, but at least I know I can live without it! That is, if I can stomach it ;-)


UPDATE: All in a Night's Conversation


photo credit : smuhegi

So here's apparently my first good example of how I can seem bi-polar or at least emotionally unstable. After I wrote my whiny post about wanting a new job I had a long painful but really amazing conversation with my man about what I'm currently going through at work.

I discovered I was being inauthentic! Surprise. I didn't want to admit that to myself at all. Basically, something or a bunch of things more like it (snafus with customers / orders etc), happened at work, and I made them mean something, particularly about myself - like I'm not good enough, this isn't right for me, this isn't fun.  Then I hid and pretended that I didn't. I wasn't pulling my weight, I wasn't being responsible, and I wasn't wanting to be there. This all makes sense - nice defense mechanism right? Well, as reminded - this is not a very powerful way to be.

So the impact for me was being frustrated, unhappy, and loathing having to go to work and put on a face that I wanted to be there and have people want to buy things from me. The impact on my customers was that they saw right through me, didn't trust me, and were bored with whatever I had to say. The impact on my company was that they were dragging my dead weight, concerned about me, annoyed that I asked the same questions, was forgetful, and didn't go above and beyond at all.

Now - I no longer choose to operate like this. I created a new possibility in this wonderous clearing made out of distinguishing where I had been inauthentic! Yippee!!!

Who I am is the possibility of being PASSIONATE and EXCITED!!! Ten times!

I get to generate myself - every day! every customer interaction! even every snafu. I am choosing to take this on - grow up, be strong, and take full responsibility to have my job not only work, but be fulfilling. I am so juiced to take this on. I'm excited for my day! I don't want a new job - I just needed to re-choose this one!

This transformation in a mere 20 minute conversation with Michael made a HUGE difference for me and not just in the area of career for me but I see where the ripples of this inauthenticity and possibility will make a difference all over my life. I am so grateful for my amazing partner and for his miraculous ability to tolerate me when I am an emotional whiny dramatic wrecking ball. He can smell my inauthenticities from a mile away and isn't afraid to call me on them. That's commitment. I love you babe. You are truly amazing.

Fooood


Greeting card at rainbow grocery. 

I can't agree more as I loving lick my coconut ice cream spoon dry. So good. 




P.S. This was suppse to be posted last night when it's totally appropriate to be stuffing my face with ice cream - although I won't put it past myself to sneak a spoonful at 8 in the morning :-) I'm trying to figure out this text / e-mail blog posting - it's yet to be as reliable as sitting down to my laptop.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

All in a Day's Work



So I'm grappling with a seemingly unanswerable question - What can I do for a living that will fulfill me most?

I start something - do it for a bit, like it, have ups and downs, and have progressively become more fulfilled with my lines of work, yet I still feel a void - like there's something more out there for me to do, something that won't feel like "work" because I just love it that much.

Is it something I just need to get over? That work will always just be work or I'll always settle into something and it will become mundane and some sort of obligation. Is it too much to hope for that I could really never have to "work" a day in my life again?!

I hate to settle for anything when I'm hungry for more. I'm young and the world is my oyster - right? Why not explore lots of options?! I've gotta stay afloat somehow though - pay the rent, put some greens on  my plate. It's funny, since I've sort of started "transforming," my hunger for material things has dried up a lot. I've never had a super shopping addiction but I have always loved a bargain or even awesome thrift find - but lately, I'm pretty content with what I've got and making it work. This is a new phenomenon for me. So, in relation to an occupation, I don't really feel the need to make more money per say. As long as I can get by, and save a bit a long the way - I'd be happy, especially if I were really up to something that made my heart sing.

This whole idea is confronting for me - exciting, yet terrifying. To jump or not to jump? Knowing me, I'll probably evaluate until it becomes too painful to remain still.

Breakfast



Breakfast is one of my favorite meals of the day - and I don't mean to say that I always eat it in the morning. I'm up for breakfast food anytime of the day. I love pancakes, waffles, scrambled eggs, oatmeal, toast, french toast, and bacon. Funny thing is I haven't eaten much of any of that for a while now - and I don't really miss it.

Now all that fancy stuff I'd have for breakfast if I went out to eat or had a lazy Sunday morning to play around in the kitchen - what I'd most likely have for breakfast was a big bowl of sugary cereal. Fruity pebbles, Life, Captain Crunch, Frosted Flakes, Fruit Loops - ooooh yea! I used to live off that stuff, drowned in a downpour of 2% milk.

Over time, I've weened myself from the above, to honey nut cheerios, to Nature's Path yummy pumpkin seed agave flax cereal, and am now down to Rainbow Grocery's bulk cereal section eating organic blueberry Muesli with fresh blueberries on top. Oh and as far as milk, I've gone to organic 2% milk, to organic soy milk, to organic almond milk. I have to say - with all the change I've had in my breakfast menu, I still love breakfast.

I'd love to get down to some fresh fruit and maybe a bran muffin or something with tea. Mmm - that sounds good. But this is where I'm at right now and I'm happy. :-)

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Welcome to my life

I never know how to start a blog. The first post is always so nerve-racking. 

I want this blog to be a space for me to express, experiment, and share my experiences as I journey down a path of "transformation."

Transforming what I eat (heading toward vegan), how I exercise, how I communicate, how I connect with people, and how I love / express myself.

Call me sappy or even a hippie - but I'm it to enrich my life. The ways I choose to express this may not be how you might choose to enrich your life, but hey - different folks, different strokes, right? I ask only to be heard with an open heart.

Here I will be vulnerable, open, and authentic about my experience of my health, well-being, and happiness.

I am so excited - this is going to be wild.