UPDATE: All in a Night's Conversation

photo credit : smuhegi

So here's apparently my first good example of how I can seem bi-polar or at least emotionally unstable. After I wrote my whiny post about wanting a new job I had a long painful but really amazing conversation with my man about what I'm currently going through at work.

I discovered I was being inauthentic! Surprise. I didn't want to admit that to myself at all. Basically, something or a bunch of things more like it (snafus with customers / orders etc), happened at work, and I made them mean something, particularly about myself - like I'm not good enough, this isn't right for me, this isn't fun.  Then I hid and pretended that I didn't. I wasn't pulling my weight, I wasn't being responsible, and I wasn't wanting to be there. This all makes sense - nice defense mechanism right? Well, as reminded - this is not a very powerful way to be.

So the impact for me was being frustrated, unhappy, and loathing having to go to work and put on a face that I wanted to be there and have people want to buy things from me. The impact on my customers was that they saw right through me, didn't trust me, and were bored with whatever I had to say. The impact on my company was that they were dragging my dead weight, concerned about me, annoyed that I asked the same questions, was forgetful, and didn't go above and beyond at all.

Now - I no longer choose to operate like this. I created a new possibility in this wonderous clearing made out of distinguishing where I had been inauthentic! Yippee!!!

Who I am is the possibility of being PASSIONATE and EXCITED!!! Ten times!

I get to generate myself - every day! every customer interaction! even every snafu. I am choosing to take this on - grow up, be strong, and take full responsibility to have my job not only work, but be fulfilling. I am so juiced to take this on. I'm excited for my day! I don't want a new job - I just needed to re-choose this one!

This transformation in a mere 20 minute conversation with Michael made a HUGE difference for me and not just in the area of career for me but I see where the ripples of this inauthenticity and possibility will make a difference all over my life. I am so grateful for my amazing partner and for his miraculous ability to tolerate me when I am an emotional whiny dramatic wrecking ball. He can smell my inauthenticities from a mile away and isn't afraid to call me on them. That's commitment. I love you babe. You are truly amazing.