There were times this past week where I was not in control, when I gave up, when I didn't care. I ate muffin after muffin - homemade vegan muffins, but still - not good. The mere thought them now makes my stomach churn a bit. I way overdid it.
Then there were times when I chose what I ate, enjoyed myself, and really enjoyed some non-vegan food. Brownie sundae and lemon drop - yes, you were wonderful. The lethargic, unmotivated feeling that followed you the next day - not so wonderful, but still worth it.
I am beginning to notice my eating patterns. When I gorge, when I hardly eat, when I only eat because I'm bored. I am struggling to tame these urges. I realize though, having good food, that I'm excited to eat, available to me always, really helps me be in control. When I'm hungry and there's not a Cafe Gratitude within 10 feet or a veggie pasta salad prepped in my bag - I instantly want something crazy like a snickers bar or chocolate chip cookie.
I'm doing pretty good with being vegetarian though - I hardly ever crave meat anymore and can usually get present to what would be served to me: where it's been, what it's eaten, how it's been treated, and how it's going to affect my body and I can pretty easily say "no thank you."
As stated in previous posts, I was pretty excited about doing some vegan baking. Yea, I tried a bit of that - those muffins that I stuffed in my face. I think I'm okay for now - no more vegan baking. Cookies - sure, but that'll be it. I think I might have scarred myself a bit.
Aside from eating - I had some dark times lately with even being productive. I'd get in and out of bed - dreading the day, putting everything off, neglecting anything possible, and just feeling terrible about myself and my environment for no reason. It may be a bit extreme to think my crazy eating lately may have brought this on, but nothing stressful or emotional was really up for me - so it was weird.
I am getting more and more sensitive. Cookies I used to LOVE now taste waaay too buttery and eh. Eating cheese sets off a storm in my belly. Not drinking enough water makes me feel lightheaded. It's amazing. It seems a bit backwards but I'm finally being able to really LISTEN to my body. I can hear it talking to me now - we can communicate and understand each other. It's really pretty beautiful.
I was getting bored with my vegan meals - but I'm getting inspired again. Cool websites like instructibles have some fresh and EASY recipes I want to try. A lot include soy cheeses and tofu - but I might dabble in those for a bit before I get super settled into a no soy diet. That way I can enjoy pizza and grilled cheese sandwiches still :-D
Tonight I made a veggie chow mien soup thing. It was a little bland but good. I didn't use any recipe or anything so I was pretty proud of myself. Then I had a strange craving for toast so I made one slice even though I was full (bored eating).
This was a bit of a babbly post but whatever - it's a post! I haven't wanted to share all this for days - so it might not be pretty but it's out there now - raw(cooked really), unclean, and honest.
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